Should You Care What Your Parents Think?

This video explores the psychological concept of reactance theory, which explains why people often do the opposite of what they are told. It delves into the dynamics of parent-child relationships and romantic relationships, discussing the Romeo and Juliet effect and the social network effect. The video examines how perceived approval or disapproval from friends and family can influence relationship outcomes.

If I told you not to press this big red button, what would you do? For many people, there's no greater motivation to do something than being told they can't. So, what is it about being told "no" that triggers this response? One of the most enduring explanations for this behavior is what psychologists call reactance theory. Reactance is a motivational state that occurs when people feel their freedom is being threatened, and it compels them to take actions they see as restoring that freedom. Sometimes this emerges as general frustration or direct argument, but the most straightforward response is to simply do the thing they were told not to. This behavior plays out in public spaces, like when people ignore health campaigns they perceive as overbearing, and in private spaces, like parent-child relationships. However, there are situations where something being forbidden actually makes it less tempting. In 1972, psychologists at the University of Colorado wanted to know if a romantic relationship facing parental disapproval was more likely to strengthen or crumble under the pressure. To answer this question, they surveyed 140 couples, varying widely in measures of happiness, but all fairly serious in terms of commitment. Not only did some couples report perceived parental opposition to their relationship over the study's six-month period, but those that did also reported a steady increase in love for one another. The researchers named this trend the Romeo and Juliet effect, after literature's most famous forbidden lovers, and concluded that the results were largely motivated by reactance. But in the decades since this publication, most follow-up studies have suggested the opposite is true. In fact, the long-term success of a romantic relationship can be predicted by the perceived approval or disapproval of the couple's friends and family. This trend is known as the social network effect. So why doesn't reactance win out over the social network effect? You might think it's because we value our existing relationships over our potential relationships. But in most cases, disapproving friends and family are just voicing negative opinions or passively not supporting a relationship. It's rarely a dramatic choice of "us or them." And when it comes to parents, most people with good relationships with their parents are not...