How to Stop A Bully

Sociologists have been studying bullying for decades. They just don't call it "bullying." They've always referred to it as "dominance behavior," which is essentially people trying to overpower others. It's akin to the animal kingdom, you know, the alpha male mentality. That's what's happening on campuses. When we understand it in terms of dominance behavior, people trying to have power over another, it helps us understand what to do about bullying when we really understand what it is. All the bullying experts agree on one thing: bullying is an imbalance of power. Someone's trying to have power over you. They want to see you lose, and they want to win. The experts say it's an imbalance of power. Let's say a bully says they hate your guts. If you respond out of anger, the bully loves that. The more upset you get, the more fun they have. But what would happen if we were resilient? What if we were emotionally strong? What if we were mentally tough? Then no matter what the hater says, you wouldn't care. Some people say, "Well, Brooks, doesn't a person have to have a high sense of self-esteem to be able to do what you're asking? Don't they have to have self-confidence or a high sense of self-worth?" No, they don't. If you explain to students that bullying is nothing more than a game about winning and losing, and that the way they can win is by not getting upset, the bully will lose. And when people lose, they don't like playing the game, so they'll leave you alone. When I say bullying, I'm only talking about when someone's hurting your feelings. If you can understand bullying in terms of someone hurting your feelings, then the solution is very simple. But some people think bullying is more complex than hurting your feelings. They think bullying is like violence. Let me make it very clear. When I say bullying, I'm not talking about when someone punches your face. That's not bullying. That's called assault and battery. If someone straight up punches your face, get upset. Why? Because that's a crime. And crime should be punished. I've discovered that when you empower kids to solve their own social problems, three things happen. Number one, they grow in self-esteem, they grow in self-confidence, and they grow in self-worth. All three words have one word in common, "self." You can't do it for the kid. He has to do it for himself. And only when he solves the problem for himself does he grow in self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth. Now, in this game, I want you to call me an idiot. I'm going to try to get you to stop being mean. You can make fun of my high forehead, my pointy nose. You can make fun of my ugly clothes. Here's how the game works. It's pretty brilliant. I'm going to try to get you to stop being mean. And if I can stop you from being mean, I win. But if I can't stop you and you keep being mean to me, you win. On the count of three, everyone say action. One, two, three. Action! Call me an idiot. "You're an idiot." "What'd you say?" "You're an idiot." "You're ugly." "That hurts my feelings." "Yeah, like I care." "I'm going to get you in trouble." "Sure, short stuff. I'm taller than you." "Shut up! You call me an idiot one more time and I will windmill kick your face." "Like I care. Like you could do anything in those clothes." "These clothes are freaking awesome, okay?" "Sure, plaid and sweater vest." "Oh, you have eyes. You can see. Stop being mean." "I hate your face." "Stop being mean." "I hate blonde people." All right, give her a big hand clap. She did great. I tried to stop you. I couldn't. You did a great job. We're going to play one last time. Same rules. You can call me an idiot. I'm going to try to stop you. Don't let me stop you, okay? You keep being mean to me. On the count of three, everyone say action. One, two, three. Action. Go ahead and call me an idiot. "You're an idiot." "Oh, you think I'm an idiot?" "Yeah." "Yeah, sometimes I do stupid things. That's true." "Yeah, you do. You always do stupid things." "I know. You're so smart. You're so lucky." "Yes, I am." "You're awesome." "Thank you." "And you're not." "I know. We established that. Cool. Look, my happiness is not based on whether you think I'm cool or not. I'm going to be happy even if you think I'm not." "Okay." "And I'll always be nice to you, sweetheart." "Okay." "No. Isn't she lovely?" "Thank you." "You're welcome." I won. Give me a big hand clap. That was awesome.