How to Help Someone Struggling With Their Mental Health

"Can I just... um... I don't... I don't know what to... um... um... I think, um... I don't know what to say, I'm sorry. You don't always know what to say, and you're basically walking on eggshells. Sometimes it can shock people if someone asks if you're having a good day. They just expect you to say, 'Yes, I'm OK.' And I'll say, 'No, I'm not.' And some people can get taken aback. And I think there's the fear of saying the wrong thing. You know, what do I know about mental health? I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, body dysmorphic disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder back in 2013. And on Friday, 29th August 2014, I tried to take my own life. My name's Hakiran, I'm Sandeep's mum, mother... What is it? Best friend. I'm best friend. Dave first joined the Mint Session when he was struggling with his mental health. And from there, we kind of, in a strange way, hit it off, I think. It's love at first sight. I like to think about it that way. I'm Dr. Will Murcott. I'm a mental health nurse and senior lecturer with the Open University. For me, listening is at the top of the list. I think that's the first and most important step. If you can, active listening, repeating back some of the things that they've said to you so that they can feel and realize that they're being helped. That first initial conversation that you had with me, when my mum and dad sat me down, that's when the bubble popped for me. That's when I thought, at that very moment, that someone's noticing how I'm feeling. Someone is noticing and having an oversight of my pain, just asking how you are. It was so crucial and so important to me at that moment. Ask twice, you know, are you OK? 'Yeah, I'm all right.' But, no, are you really OK? And then it's like, 'Well, no, actually, I'm not.' I think there is an urge to try and problem-solve and do something. And there's almost a need sometimes to be able to fix a problem or a person. And sometimes that's not the right thing to do in that situation. People aren't necessarily looking for answers. People want to be heard. One of the things I've learned as a mental health professional is that often if I try and set goals or have my own needs and wants and desires for how somebody should get better, they are usually wrong. And so, from my point of view, it's working with a person at their pace and trying to understand how they want to move. You can suggest going to see your GP. You can suggest support groups. You can suggest people take an activity. You can go and join in that activity with them so they're not feeling alone with that. One size does not fit all. You've had a really great idea, didn't you, the family trusting circle? Yes. So what we do, we go out in the family environment and go to a coffee shop or just sit there, all four of us, actually doing our pos and negs. What's been your positive for the whole month? What's been your negative for the whole month? We spend a lot of time insulting each other. We just send each other little videos or... Oh, yeah, I've been watching that, and just little clips. Everybody's at the click of a button now. You're in my pocket. Yeah. If they're really struggling and at breaking point, emergency phone lines out there... Samaritans. And Samaritans as well, they need to know that there is support out there. And it's so hard, so hard to see that when you're in a dark place. One of the scary things is that kind of pressure of, 'What do I do if?' Because there can be nothing more scary than having somebody talk to you about ending their life, harming themselves in some way. Really, the person needs to know as well at what point you will find something acceptable or unacceptable and then have to do something or involve somebody else. I always try and get that conversation done as soon as I can to say, 'Look, you know, I will never breach your confidence, but if there are things that worry me, then I may have to do something about that.' And, again, that's absolutely OK, because the person will thank you for it afterwards. Let people know that I'm here and we're going to do this together. So if that means, right, me and you, we're going to make an appointment at the GP, we'll go together and we'll do this together. And it's about being in the mud together. You have to keep your own emotional batteries charged up, because when they're drained out, you can't help anybody else and you struggle to function, let alone just trying to look after yourself. The plane and the oxygen mask. Put your oxygen mask on first. Self-care is the number one priority, I think. So I don't think you can actually fail, and that's something that I would really push to everyone who's helping someone with mental health struggles, is you haven't failed, you cannot fail, but you can do something. Trust, again, trust your instincts, be yourself. The right thing is probably what you first felt, and that could have been sitting and listening, just nodding, or it could have been responding, 'Tell me more about that.' So not to overworry, not to overthink, but there is support out there, and there are people that will listen to you and give you advice and guidance. And it's important to talk. Oh, my God, it's so important to talk. Very important to talk. We end most chats with, 'Love you, mum,' you know. Yeah, it's good to have someone like Josh in my life. It makes my life better."