How To Deal With a Toxic Family

There's been a huge decline in mental health around the world, which is why we are so committed to creating more content than we ever have. Thanks so much for being a part of our journey. Do you have a toxic family and you're not sure what to do? Having a toxic family member can be detrimental because family is supposed to be defined by love and support. This is a betrayal of the highest order and something, if left untreated, that will haunt someone for the rest of their lives. It's difficult to even admit a family member is toxic, and the treatment isn't easy, although we do recommend reaching out to a professional for help. Here are a few tips to ponder while you decide what to do: **Number one, make clear boundaries for yourself.** We know that it sounds simple to say, "Hey, I like this and I don't like that," and you're right, it does seem straightforward. So why does this toxic person continue to be able to cross those boundaries? It might be that due to fear, being worn down, or not realizing that it's happening, you haven't made the boundaries clear. The problem with toxic family members is not only that they know you well, but they exercise that knowledge regularly to get at you. They know where all the thin spots are. Clarifying a boundary is like adding an extra fortification or making your house out of brick rather than straw and filling in all the gaps. So you need to be super clear with yourself on not only what your boundaries are, but why. Give it some backup. Know that your own limit is because toxic people will overstep that boundary repeatedly. So you'll need to determine for yourself how much you'll put up with before you know it's time to walk. They might rush you before the cement has been set properly. So don't worry about failing the first few times. With practice, you'll be able to hold your own. These boundaries will also help to remind you that you have not only the need but the right to protect yourself from these attacks. This means when you cut a call off from your body-shaming mother or block the number to that sibling who keeps cursing at you or demeaning your life, you can understand that it's right for you. You've had enough. **Number two, distance.** We mean either emotionally or physically, because physically isn't always realistically possible. Emotional distance involves cutting off the gifts you've been giving. What gifts, you ask? The gift of you. The gift of knowing anything meaningful about you, like your interests, goals, secrets, or memories. Those were things you previously shared with them, and they responded by repeatedly, maliciously using that information to hurt you. They have proven themselves undeserving. So you get to stop the flow. It's okay to say you don't wish to talk on a subject or not answer a question. If you must speak with them, you can have cordial contact, also known as keeping them at an arm's length. This is where conversations and emotions are purposefully superficial, pleasant, and all about them, since toxic people are usually all about themselves anyhow. You can remind yourself this is being done on purpose for your own protection and sanity. You're not giving in to them. If possible, you can have low contact, where you interact only at large occasions like weddings. Then there's also no contact, when even low contact has become unbearable. Don't worry about "what if they've changed." Once toxic family members catch on to what's happening, they'll redouble their efforts to force poison down your throat, letting you know that nothing has changed. In fact, they're worse than before. The most important thing to remember in all of this is that it's not your fault that they did this to you, despite what they're screaming at you. Their repeated abuse, despite all your efforts to appease them or talk to them, is effectively a foot shoving you against the exit. So take the exit and let them deal with the outcome themselves. **Number three, don't argue or justify.** You know the drill. It's been a blissful week of peace from that condescending, gaslighting family member, but then a call or email will come, and it'll be something that seems to require conversation. So you, being compassionate, ask them what's going on, and it devolves into drama and arguments. Alert! You might want to fight back and provide proof to support yourself. Admiral Ackbar says, "It's a trap." Oh yeah, he knew what was up. This toxic family member has reeled you into a staged argument they know and will ensure you can't win. Their goal is to make you feel loved.