De-escalation Dialogue Starters: What to Say When Things Get Tense

Teacher: "Good morning, everyone. Today we're going to dive into the art of de-escalation, specifically focusing on the words we choose. Remember, our goal is to lower the temperature, not raise it. We'll be using these dialogue starters to practice various scenarios. Keep in mind that these are just starting points; your genuine empathy and understanding are your best tools."

Section 1: Active Listening & Validation

Teacher: "When a student is upset, their feelings are real to them. Our first job isn't to fix, but to listen and acknowledge. This shows them you care and understand, even if you don't agree with their behavior."

• Acknowledging Feelings:
  • "I can see you're really upset right now."
  • "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated/angry/sad about [situation]."
  • "I hear you saying that [paraphrase what they said]. Is that right?"
• Validating Their Perspective (without condoning behavior):
  • "It makes sense that you would feel that way given what you've experienced."
  • "I understand this is a difficult situation for you."
  • "I know this is important to you."

Teacher: "Let's try one. If a student says, 'This assignment is stupid! I'm not doing it!' How might you use one of these starters? Think about acknowledging their frustration first."

Section 2: Offering Choices & Empowerment

Teacher: "Once a student feels heard, we can gently guide them towards problem-solving by offering choices. This gives them a sense of control and empowerment, rather than feeling dictated to."

• Giving Simple Choices:
  • "Would you like to take a break for a few minutes, or would you prefer to try working on this task for five more minutes?"
  • "We can talk about this here quietly, or we can step into the hallway for a moment to discuss it privately. Which would you prefer?"
  • "Do you want to write your thoughts down, or would you like to tell me what's going on?"
• Focusing on Solutions (Future-Oriented):
  • "What do you think might help you right now?"
  • "What can we do to make this better?"
  • "Let's think about what needs to happen next to get you back on track."

Teacher: "Imagine a student is refusing to clean up their art supplies. What choices could you offer them to empower them to comply?"

Section 3: Setting Limits & Maintaining Safety (Calmly)

Teacher: "Sometimes, despite our best de-escalation efforts, clear limits need to be set for safety. The key is to deliver these limits calmly, clearly, and consistently, focusing on the behavior, not the child."

• Using "I" Statements:
  • "I need you to lower your voice so we can talk about this."
  • "I can't let you [behavior] because it's not safe for you/others."
  • "I see you're getting very angry, and I need you to stay in your seat."
• Stating Expectations Clearly:
  • "Our classroom expectation is that we use calm voices."
  • "When you are ready to [expected behavior], then we can [positive outcome]."
  • "I understand you're upset, but the expectation is that you complete your work."

Teacher: "A student is starting to yell and throw their pencil. How would you use an 'I' statement to set a limit while remaining calm?"

Section 4: Bringing it All Together: Practice Tips

Teacher: "Remember, de-escalation is a dance, not a rigid script. Be flexible, be genuine, and always prioritize safety."

• Breath and Pause: Before responding, take a breath.
• Non-Verbal Cues: Match your words with calm body language (open stance, soft voice).
• Patience: De-escalation takes time.
• Seek Support: Know when to call for additional help.

Teacher: "We'll now move into our role-playing activity where you can put these dialogue starters and tips into practice!"

Role-Playing De-escalation Scenarios: Practice Your Superpowers!

Objective: To provide staff with practical experience applying trauma-informed de-escalation techniques in simulated school environments.

Time Allotment: 30 minutes (20 minutes for role-playing, 10 minutes for debrief)

Instructions for Groups:

1. Form Groups: Divide into small groups of 3-4 people.
2. Assign Roles: Within your group, rotate roles for each scenario:
   • Staff Member: Practices de-escalation techniques.
   • Student: Acts out the challenging behavior (try to make it realistic!).
   • Observer(s): Takes notes on what went well, what could be improved, and specific techniques used (or missed).
3. Choose a Scenario: Select one of the scenarios below to start. Feel free to adapt it or create your own if inspiration strikes!
4. Practice: Engage in the role-play for about 5-7 minutes per scenario. Focus on applying the active listening, validation, choice-offering, and calm limit-setting strategies we discussed.
5. Feedback: After each role-play, the observer(s) should provide constructive feedback to the staff member, followed by self-reflection from the staff member and student.
6. Rotate: Switch roles and try another scenario.

Scenarios:

Scenario 1: The Frustrated Teen

Setting: High School Classroom, during an independent work period.

Student Behavior: A 10th-grade student, usually quiet, suddenly slams their textbook shut, throws their pencil across the room, and mutters, "This is pointless! I hate this class!" They cross their arms and glare at their desk.

Possible Triggers/Context: Overwhelm, feeling misunderstood, academic pressure, personal issues at home.

Staff Focus: Approach calmly, validate frustration, offer a break or choice.

Scenario 2: The Anxious Elementary Student

Setting: Elementary School Hallway, during a transition between classes.

Student Behavior: A 3rd-grade student is hunched in a corner, crying softly and refusing to move. When a teacher approaches, they pull their hoodie over their head and whisper, "Leave me alone!"

Possible Triggers/Context: Sensory overload, separation anxiety, bullying, fear of a specific class/activity.

Staff Focus: Non-threatening approach, calm voice, inquire about feelings, offer safe space or a simple choice.

Scenario 3: The Defiant Middle Schooler

Setting: Middle School Cafeteria, during lunch.

Student Behavior: A 7th-grade student is told by a supervisor to clean up their mess after spilling a drink. The student yells, "No! You can't make me! It's not my fault!" and pushes the spilled tray further across the table.

Possible Triggers/Context: Feeling unfairly targeted, peer pressure, previous negative interactions with authority, seeking attention.

Staff Focus: Maintain calm, set clear and calm limits, offer choices for compliance, avoid power struggles.

Scenario 4: The Overwhelmed Child

Setting: Kindergarten Classroom, during circle time.

Student Behavior: A kindergartener starts screaming loudly and pushing other children when asked to sit still. They are red-faced and appear highly agitated.

Possible Triggers/Context: Sensory sensitivities, lack of sleep, difficulty with transitions, feeling overwhelmed by group activity.

Staff Focus: Swift, calm intervention, create space, gentle redirection, inquire about needs, simple choices.

Group Debrief Questions (After all role-plays):

• What de-escalation techniques felt most effective in your scenarios?
• What was challenging about the role-play, and why?
• What did you learn about your own responses under pressure?
• How can we apply these strategies to real-life situations next week?
• What specific dialogue starters from the script did you find most useful?