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When Comments Hurt

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Randi Cunningham

Tier 1

Warm Up

Warm-Up: Comment or Boundary?

Time: 5 minutes
Objective: Get students thinking about what makes a comment harmless versus when it crosses a personal boundary.

Instructions:
• Read each comment out loud.
• Show a 👍 if you think it’s an appropriate comment.
• Show a 👎 if you think it’s inappropriate or crosses a boundary.
• Be ready to share one reason for your reaction.

  1. “You always wear the same clothes—you must not have many options.”
  2. “It’s so weird you talk like that—do you think in another language?”
  3. “Your hair color is ridiculous—what were you thinking?”
  4. “I heard you’re religious—bet you don’t do anything fun.”
  5. “You’re always late—what’s your excuse this time?”
  6. “I saw your social media—it’s kind of embarrassing.”




Quick Reflection

  1. Which comment felt like it crossed a boundary for you? Why?









  1. How might you respond or set a boundary if someone said that to you?













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Discussion

Discussion: Boundary Talk

Time: 7 minutes
Objective: Explore why boundaries around comments matter, understand intent vs. impact, and practice setting respectful boundaries.

Discussion Guidelines

  • Listen actively and respectfully.
  • Speak one at a time.
  • Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel…”) to share your perspective.
  • Respect confidentiality; what’s shared in this circle stays here.

1. Why Do We Need Boundaries Around Comments?

• What can happen when a comment crosses a line?
• How might it feel to be on the receiving end of an inappropriate comment?

Response:



2. Remember Comment or Boundary?

Think about one of the statements from our warm-up.
• Which one felt like it crossed a boundary? Why?
• How did that comment impact the person on the receiving end?

Response:



3. Intent vs. Impact of Comments

• Why might someone think a comment is harmless, even if it hurts others?
• How does focusing on impact help us communicate better?
• What could you say if someone responds, “I was just saying…”?

Response:



4. Strategies for Setting Boundaries

Share respectful ways to speak up when a comment bothers you:
• Use an I-statement (“I don’t feel comfortable when…”)
• Politely ask the person to stop.
• Redirect with kindness or humor to change the topic.
• Pause and take a breath before responding.

Response:



5. Being an Upstander

How can we support peers who experience hurtful comments?
• What can bystanders say or do?
• How can we create a safer, more inclusive space?

Response:



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Lesson Plan

When Comments Hurt

Students will identify when comments cross personal boundaries and practice setting respectful limits around inappropriate remarks through discussion, mapping, and role-play.

Establishing clear boundaries around comments promotes respectful communication, reduces harm, and fosters an inclusive classroom where everyone feels safe.

Audience

9th Grade High School Students

Time

25 minutes

Approach

Interactive discussion and hands-on role-play

Materials

Comment or Boundary?, Boundary Talk, When Comments Hurt Slide Deck, Boundary Mapping Worksheet, and Boundary Role-Play Game

Prep

Prepare Materials

10 minutes

  • Review all lesson resources: Comment or Boundary?, Boundary Talk, When Comments Hurt Slide Deck, Boundary Mapping Worksheet, and Boundary Role-Play Game.
  • Load the slide deck on the classroom display or distribute digital copies.
  • Print or digitally share the Boundary Mapping Worksheet.
  • Arrange students in pairs or small groups for activities and role-plays.
  • Familiarize yourself with discussion prompts and game instructions.

Step 1

Warm-Up Activity

4 minutes

  • Display Comment or Boundary?.
  • Read each comment aloud; have students respond with 👍 or 👎.
  • Invite 2–3 quick shares: Why did you choose that reaction?

Step 2

Slide Deck Introduction

3 minutes

  • Present When Comments Hurt Slide Deck.
  • Define “appropriate comment” vs. “boundary-crossing comment.”
  • Highlight intent vs. impact with a short example.

Step 3

Guided Discussion

6 minutes

  • Use Boundary Talk.
  • Follow discussion guidelines: use “I” statements and active listening.
  • Cover: Why boundaries matter, intent vs. impact, and upstander strategies.

Step 4

Boundary Mapping Activity

4 minutes

  • Distribute Boundary Mapping Worksheet.
  • In pairs, students list scenarios of comments that feel OK and ones that feel hurtful.
  • Have pairs draw a line between intention and impact for one scenario.

Step 5

Role-Play Game

5 minutes

  • Introduce Boundary Role-Play Game.
  • In new pairs, students draw a scenario card and role-play:
    • One student delivers an inappropriate comment.
    • The other practices setting a boundary using an “I” statement.
  • Quick rotation: 2–3 scenarios per pair.

Step 6

Closure

3 minutes

  • Ask students to share one takeaway or boundary phrase they’ll use.
  • Reinforce the importance of impact over intent.
  • Encourage them to support peers by speaking up when needed.
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Slide Deck

When Comments Hurt

Welcome to our lesson on setting boundaries with comments. Today we’ll learn to recognize when comments cross the line and practice ways to speak up respectfully.

Introduce the lesson. Greet students and explain that today we’ll explore how comments can cross boundaries and how to respond respectfully. Mention the learning goal: recognizing hurtful comments and setting healthy limits.

What Is an Appropriate Comment?

• Uplifts or supports someone without targeting personal traits
• Offers constructive feedback when asked
• Example: “Great job on your project!” or “I like how you organized that section.”

Define “appropriate comment” with examples. Ask students to think of a time they received a positive comment from a peer or teacher.

What Is a Boundary-Crossing Comment?

• Targets someone’s identity, appearance, or personal life
• Feels hurtful or embarrassing to the person on the receiving end
• Example: “Why do you always dress like that?” or “I heard you don’t have many friends.”

Define boundary-crossing comment. Ask for a volunteer to share a time they felt hurt by a comment.

Intent vs. Impact of Comments

Intent: What the commenter meant to say
Impact: How the comment makes someone feel
Even if intent is harmless, hurtful impact still matters.

Explain intent vs. impact of comments. Use a real-life classroom example: someone says “I was only joking” after a hurtful remark.

Strategies for Setting Boundaries

• Use an “I” statement: “I feel uncomfortable when…”
• Ask politely: “Please stop. That comment hurt my feelings.”
• Redirect: “Let’s talk about something else.”
• Pause and respond when you’re ready

Introduce strategies for setting boundaries around comments. Model an “I” statement with a volunteer role-play.

Activity: Boundary Mapping

  1. Grab your Boundary Mapping Worksheet.
  2. In pairs, list comments that feel OK and comments that feel hurtful.
  3. Draw a line showing how intent and impact differ for one example.

Prepare students to use the Boundary Mapping Worksheet. Explain how to list comments they consider OK vs. hurtful, then map intent vs. impact.

Game: Boundary Role-Play

  1. Use the Boundary Role-Play Game cards.
  2. One student reads the scenario’s inappropriate comment.
  3. The other practices setting a boundary using an “I” statement.
  4. Switch roles and repeat.

Explain the role-play game. Demonstrate drawing a scenario card and practicing the response.

Takeaways and Closure

• Share one boundary phrase you’ll use next time.
• Remember: Impact matters more than intent.
• Be an upstander: support peers by speaking up when needed.

Wrap up by inviting students to share one phrase or takeaway they’ll use. Reinforce the importance of impact over intent and being an upstander.

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Activity

Boundary Mapping Worksheet

Time: 4 minutes
Objective: Identify appropriate vs. boundary-crossing comments and examine how intent and impact can differ.

1. List Examples

A. Comments that feel OK





B. Comments that feel hurtful or cross a boundary







2. Intent vs. Impact Map

Choose one comment from section B above. In the space below, draw or describe:

  • Intent: What the commenter might have meant to do
  • Impact: How the comment actually made someone feel












3. Reflection Questions

a. Why do you think the impact mattered more than the intent in this example?






b. How could you set a respectful boundary if you heard or experienced this comment?









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Game

Boundary Role-Play Game

Time: 5 minutes
Objective: Practice setting boundaries around hurtful comments using “I” statements in realistic scenarios.

Materials

  • Scenario cards (see examples below)
  • Boundary Role-Play Game instruction sheet

Instructions

  1. Form pairs. Decide who will play the Commenter first and who will play the Boundary-Setter.
  2. Draw a scenario card. The Commenter reads the situation and delivers the indicated inappropriate comment.
  3. Respond with a boundary. The Boundary-Setter uses an “I” statement or another strategy from our discussion to address the comment (e.g., “I feel uncomfortable when you talk about my family like that. Please stop.”).
  4. Reflect briefly. The pair notes: What worked? How did it feel to speak up or set the boundary?
  5. Switch roles and draw a new card. Repeat for 2–3 scenarios.

Sample Scenario Cards

  1. Accent Comment
    “You always sound funny—what country did you learn English in?”

  2. Appearance Comment
    “That haircut makes you look like a cartoon character.”

  3. Family Comment
    “I heard your mom is always yelling at you—no wonder you’re so stressed.”

  4. Stereotype Remark
    “People like you are always so lazy—no surprise you’re the last one done.”

  5. Social Media Comment
    “Why do you post so many selfies? Do you need attention?”

Debrief Questions (Whole Class)

• Which strategies felt most effective in setting a boundary?
• How did it feel to use an “I” statement versus another approach?
• Why is it important to practice these skills in a safe space?

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